Phew, we’re living in a pretty turbulent, intense time and I’m receiving a lot of messages about my blog posts in the “mindset” section these days. I am incredibly happy to see how many people I am speaking from the heart here. I have therefore decided to publish my thoughts on another blog post from the “Generation ‘No Commitment'” series. Even though this is of course a monologue, I am symbolically inviting you to a lively dialogue. Have fun reading! 📖
Communication today: monologue instead of dialogue
Communication is an art. Or rather, it used to be an art. Today, it seems to be more of a battlefield – between voice message monologues, unspoken expectations and people who use their opinions as weapons. We are talking more than ever before, but it feels like we are saying less and less. And that is precisely the problem: the quantity of words is not synonymous with quality or depth.
Voice messages and the monologue craze
I don’t like it when people prioritise their time over mine. Voice messages are the best example of this. Spoken quickly into a mobile phone, with no regard for structure or relevance – a kind of stream of thought that I then have to consume in real time. The problem? Listening is more tiring than speaking. I can’t just pick out the most important things, I have to listen to everything so that I don’t miss anything. And in the meantime? No dialogue, no joint development of a thought – just overbearing demands on my time and one-sided chatter.
Often just more babble, lined with annoying background noise, annoying repetitions, more babble, constant umms and, best of all, important information that you should also write down at the same time so that you don’t have to listen to the message three times when you’re looking for the two sentences that are actually relevant in a 5-minute voice message. Make the speech-to-text feature great again!
Communication should be an exchange, not dictation. It’s about engaging with each other, not just talking, but also listening. This means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to understand their perspective. After all, communication is not just about sending words, but about understanding what is being said. A virtue that seems to be increasingly being forgotten.
Attack is the best defence – right?
Do you know those people who give you a stomach ache when you try to address a problem? Because you know that they immediately switch into attack mode? In the end, you are not only criticised for the problem itself, but also for not addressing it much earlier. But guess what – that’s exactly why! Who wants to voluntarily expose themselves to a discussion that turns into an emotional exchange of blows right from the start? It’s all the more exhausting if you’re simply looking for a solution when addressing certain issues and have no intention of pillorying anyone. It’s all the more exhausting when the predicted happens.
People who can’t answer simple questions are just as frustrating. Ask a clear yes-or-no question and instead get an evasive, meaningless answer that misses the point. Why? Because real communication requires a certain amount of reflection – and many people are not willing or able to deal with this. In order to be able to give a meaningful answer to a question, you first need to have listened properly – bingo, that’s where it often fails. Many people don’t even listen properly at the beginning because they are far too ego-focussed on getting rid of their own thoughts instead of thinking about whether what is being said is relevant to what is being asked. Clearly missing the point. Sit down, you failed!
The sender-receiver problem in communication
Maximum honesty is not always pleasant. It doesn’t mean conforming or sugarcoating things. It means saying what someone needs to hear – even if it is uncomfortable. Honesty is not always nice, but it is fair. And that’s what counts. That’s also one of the things that most of my friends probably appreciate me for the most: That I always try to be as honest as possible. I can still get a little better at timing, because sometimes I hold back the truth that someone needs to hear for too long out of excessive consideration for my counterpart, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, don’t want to flick the rose-coloured glasses off their nose, etc.
I am firmly convinced that honesty will always get us the furthest. The only question is whether we can find the right timing and the right words to put on the table so that our message reaches the recipient in exactly the way we want to send it. This is the classic sender-receiver problem. However, the more aware we are of this, the better we can deal with it.
Truth often disguises itself as our intuition
Truth exists regardless of whether we accept it or not. The problem is that many people refuse to accept reality if it does not match their own expectations and hopes. But that doesn’t make it any less true. I believe that the great art is to learn to deal with the truth and to accept it even when it doesn’t suit us, instead of suppressing it. Deep down, we always know what is true – this is also called “intuition”. We can’t change the truth, but we can change whether we accept it or not. The former makes life much easier. But it is also much more demanding.
And we must not forget one thing: Nobody is in our head! No one can guess what you are thinking or feeling if you don’t express it. Communication means communicating – not just in hints, but clearly and explicitly. Because unspoken expectations only lead to frustration and misunderstandings. Talking through the blues can work, but it doesn’t have to. We can all make our lives easier if we learn to communicate more honestly again. To do this, however, we must first learn to be more honest with ourselves again. And also to find out what we really want. Not that easy.
Truth is a matter of perspective
Imagine you are standing in front of a mirror. Your perspective shows you a certain image. But if someone else is standing next to you, they see a slightly different reflection. Does that mean that one of the two perceptions is wrong? No. Truth is often a question of perspective.
The problem is that many people see their own point of view as the only valid one. Instead of questioning whether there might also be another side, their own perception is seen as the universal truth. But real communication means realising that there is not just one reality – but many, depending on your perspective.
The more I think I have understood something, the more I realise how little I have actually understood. Or – as I recently said to one of my closest friends: “I don’t get anything anymore!”
It’s not about being right, but about wanting to understand the other person, their motives, their worries and their point of view. It’s also not about apportioning blame or saying that something is better or worse than the other, but about mutual understanding, about wanting to understand. Communication is not a one-way street, but a constant struggle for insight, empathy and the attempt to really understand each other.
Listening is more than just waiting until you can speak yourself
We can learn to consciously listen again. Not with half an ear, while we are typing on our mobile phone or are already thinking about our own answer, but with real presence. Listening is more than just hearing words. It is about perceiving the emotions behind the words, recognising the intention and really understanding what is being said.
This is the only way to turn a monologue into a genuine dialogue. An exchange at eye level in which both sides feel seen and understood. And this is precisely where one of the core problems lies: communication consists of the interplay between egotistical speaking and loving listening. This is where the two aspects of giving and receiving meet. And this is where egotists and narcissists can be exposed very easily, because it is precisely people like this who only focus on sending their own ego-focussed message and taking the attention of the other person – without any real interest in their opinion. Such people like to switch off when they have to listen because they are not interested in what the other person has to say. I will soon be publishing my thoughts on the subject of “ego vs. love”. Stay tuned. 😉
The way someone talks to you says more about them than it does about you
Everyone has a bad day – that’s human nature. But nobody has the right to unfilter this frustration onto others. This is where true strength of character comes into play: Can you reflect on your emotions before you take them out on others?
I am always there if someone wants to talk about their worries. If someone wants to open up and needs support. But I’m not here to be mobbed for no reason. I’m not a mental rubbish bin for unreflected emotions that should simply be dumped somewhere. Everyone goes through a rough patch sometimes, and that’s when friends should be there – just like in the saying: ‘Through good times and bad.’ But that’s not the point. There are enough people who practise this self-pitying rubbish dumping as a way of life in the long term. Sorry, but I won’t lower myself to that – my hard-earned ‘healthy selfishness’ simply won’t allow it. And I’m really proud of this realization because the old Mother Terosa in me would have already set off her helper syndrome alarm. Not this time.
Respectful communication is a conscious decision. One that shows who we really are – and how much we value others.
I don’t want to have to endure anything
I’ve reached a point in my life where I prefer peace and quiet. Genuine attention. In-depth conversations with people who really listen. Ready for a sincere dialogue, for taking on new perspectives and questioning their own – regardless of the outcome. People who are not just waiting to speak up again themselves, but actually want to understand what others are saying. And not just what they say, but why they say it. That is a genuine exchange, a real dialogue at eye level and not just superficial small talk.
And if the alternative is people who are dishonest or inauthentic – regardless of their motives – then I’d rather be alone. It’s not about not having conflicts. It’s about resolving conflicts in a way that is characterised by respect. Because valuable relationships are not created by everything always being harmonious – but by being able to have difficult conversations without them degenerating into a power struggle. Characterised by a desire for understanding, not dogmatism.
Communication always starts within ourselves
We often talk about the problems that others cause in communication – but what about ourselves? When do we only listen half-heartedly? When do we express ourselves unclearly? And when do we react unfairly to others out of our own frustration? Communication is not a one-way street. It’s not just about what the other person is doing wrong, but also about reflecting on yourself. It’s about what you can do better yourself. Because real communication always starts within ourselves.
If you point the finger at others, you are also pointing three fingers at yourself.
And that’s why it’s all the more important to start with yourself and lead by example. To seek dialogue yourself, to address things and to act in a way that you would ideally like your counterpart to act. If we all start with ourselves, a lot has already been done and honest dialogue with friends can be very beneficial here. Honestly questioning and practising communication can fall on very fertile ground here. After all, honest dialogue and addressing worries, stomach aches and all kinds of thoughts should always be welcome, especially with friends. This should always be the “created home” or “safe harbour” where you can talk about everything and where criticism of all kinds is welcome. Because true friends grow together, learn from each other and should always be allowed to tell each other the truth, even if it would actually be a stressful conversation (under other circumstances).
For example, when you have to address the fact that the other person’s behaviour, communication or character traits can be hurtful. This is where true friends should know that addressing such things happens precisely because we don’t want to distance ourselves from each other – because this is exactly what happens in the long term if things are not addressed for too long and the rift and hurt grow. We should be allowed to practise with our (chosen) family, fall down and either get up again ourselves or – even better – be given a hand to get up.
My love language is creating a sacred space for you to take off your armour.
I would like to end with the song “The Unspeakable World” by Adi Goldstein, which has been with me for a long time and has also inspired me to a large extent for this blog post. Just listen (!) to, it’s a really good exercise to finish with. 😉
Anyone who knows me personally knows how much I love music and how healing its effect is on me.
Thank you for listening and for your time,
Rosa ❤️
P.S.: More topics, which should inspire you a little bit to think about, you can find *here*.
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