Love letters vs. situationships
I really love providing you with delicious recipes, but today I would like to offer you some food for the soul. Sometimes a blog post is like a diary entry – a place where I can let my thoughts flow. And maybe you’ll feel just as picked up while reading it as I did while writing it. Here are a few thoughts that concern me about the now very common term “situationships” – from the perspective of a single person.
When did love letters actually become situationships and ghosting?
“I want to see you! I want to spend time with you, no matter what. Just to be with you!” When was the last time someone gave you exactly this feeling? I don’t mean this non-committal “Hey, do you fancy hanging out together someday?”, but this honest, clear, unmistakable need to spend time with you. To see you and not just some random person to kill time?
It feels like this deep desire for closeness has become rare these days. Instead, there are situationships: loose, indefinable relationships in which everything remains open and nothing concrete develops. Time and bodily fluids are shared, but no direction or serious commitment. And when things get difficult or one wants more than the other, this supposed connection often fizzles out just as quickly as it started. Don’t talk about what it could be between you – for fear of breaking this fragile little plant. Just because you want to know where you stand? Seriously?
This is probably also the moment when ghosting begins. This sudden silence that leaves more questions than answers. I’ve already talked about this in my blog post “Generation no commitment”.
Lack of communication is the beginning of the end
Back in the days, people used to write love letters, wait days for a reply and feel as if the world had stopped for a moment. Today, you type a few messages, hope for blue ticks and think to yourself how interesting your message must be if the other person takes so long to read or even reply. If a reply comes at all. When did it actually become “in” to stop saying things and disappear from the face of the earth? Instead of honestly communicating that you had something else in mind, that your life situation doesn’t allow it, that your feelings aren’t strong enough, or, or, or?
Maybe I’m just too romantic for these times when ghosting and situationships have become the norm. Is it wrong to compare it with how I would act myself? While others seem to move from one partner to the next without any problems, I lie awake at night listening to sad love songs and wondering whether or what exactly I could have done wrong. After all, I have to ask myself that because it hasn’t been addressed and I slowly but surely distance myself inwardly. Because the certainty grows that I don’t want to be surrounded by people who simply stop contacting me from one day to the next and leave me alone with my thoughts. Because the certainty is growing that I don’t want to be treated like that. And that I am worth more to myself than being wordlessly written off or “forgotten”.
I think we can agree that not getting in touch is probably the worst possible option. Because most people would be better able to deal with the truth, however harsh, than being let down with their own unanswered thoughts. It’s okay to give someone a chance and realize that it doesn’t fulfil you. But it’s not okay not to communicate that or, on the other hand, to lose yourself in the process just to avoid being alone. And sometimes we lose people because we set boundaries and stand up for our values. The only question is whether it is always a loss or the opposite:
Our borders help us to make room for the right people – those who want to stay, without us having to keep them.
Rosa Lazić
Setting boundaries and looking after yourself
Maybe I’m just the wrong target group for situationships! Because I simply prefer to be alone rather than in a lazy compromise. And our gut feeling usually knows this much earlier than we think. It just doesn’t feel “right” and somehow no real trust is built up. And that’s no wonder, because trust needs something to build on. Something that it can hold on to – something that is missing in an open construct such as a situationship. These are all signals from our body that we can’t let ourselves go one hundred per cent – because there’s nothing there to catch us.
And one thing is really wonderful about all the ups and downs of feelings: I know that I’m still able to feel them. Not jaded by any tactics that it might be better to use to make myself more interesting. Not my world. I’m more the “all in” type. If I get involved with someone and someone does it to me – which is like hitting the lottery anyway – then I do it with every fibre of my being. Either completely or not at all.
Honesty with yourself and others
I tend to prioritize honest communication, even if it is sometimes difficult for me to do myself. I firmly believe that honesty will always get you the furthest. Regardless of whether it’s good or bad news. The trick is to find the right situation and words, to formulate them without reproach if possible, but simply to show clearly what certain things and actions trigger in us. Or whether you can really imagine a serious relationship with someone or just want to satisfy your physical needs – and it’s not enough for anything more.
And I love my friends dearly for that. They are sometimes brutally honest – just like I am with them. We tell each other exactly what we sometimes don’t want to hear, but need to hear. “If it was really important to him, he would have got in touch.” – “No one who really knows you would ever want to miss you in their life.” – Were we simply mistaken about someone? Or did we see more potential in the fragile little plant than the other person? But what good is this potential if it doesn’t want to be realized? At least not by both equally?
Rather in a situationship instead of being alone?
Maybe I’m also simply “too well” on my own to get involved in situationships. Because quite honestly, why should I get involved in a situationship if it’s the realization that someone isn’t sure whether they want me by their side? And no clear “Yes!” to the situationship on the one side, is a crystal-clear “No!” and a big, waving red flag that I don’t consciously ignore.
On the other hand, I try to consciously deal with possible red flags and see what they might be based on and whether I want to live with them. I know that I also bring character traits into a relationship that my partner has to deal with. But that’s a good thing. Since character traits make us exactly the specific person we are. Far removed from any arbitrariness. Plus it should all be based on reciprocity! It’s not a one-way street.
Hopeful instead of hopeless
I love my life, every single day of it. No matter whether I’m in a high or a low. And I know that at some point there will be someone who wants to experience this wonderful ride call “life” standing next to my side. Voluntarily, consciously and from the bottom of their heart. Until then, I’m savouring every minute in which I can focus on myself. As much as possible. Because quite honestly: I’m having the best time of my life right now. I’m as free and independent as possible on all levels. That is pure luxury.
No, I won’t be happy “when…” I won’t be happy only when I meet someone at some point in the future who fulfils my values and inner longing for a relationship at eye level. No one is responsible for making me happy – that’s my responsibility alone. But I also know that with the right people by our side, everything is simply much nicer and we are happier. But only with the right people. And that’s exactly why I describe myself as a hopeful rather than a hopeless romantic: because I already have such incredibly wonderful souls around me, who accompany me on a friendship-level, and for whom I am unspeakably grateful every day.
Situationships vs. conscious love
Yes, I still believe in love as a partnership. In honest words, making yourself vulnerable, making deep connections and treating each other with respect. Because I can see that I experience exactly this kind of love in my friendships. And I hope that we can all bring a little more of it into the world. Because maybe we don’t need new dating trends, but simply the courage to see each other again. As we really are. As human beings, with feelings that can be so beautiful that we can hardly put them into words when they flow through our bodies and make us forget the world for a moment…
For me, there is hardly a more beautiful feeling than love. Whether for other people, animals or ourselves. Far away from the arbitrariness, fast pace and supposed interchangeability of today. And perhaps all of this is the perfect breeding ground for conscious love and the realization of love letters in the cosmos of situationships:
We are one of the first generations to consciously choose someone for love. We don’t need a partner to be viable.
Rosa Lazić – more about this in the blogpost “About strong women and their unconditional love”
Women want men by their side because they love them with every fiber of their bodies.
Not because women need them.
Live, love, laugh – to the full and from the bottom of your heart,
Rosa ❤️
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