Friendships – the secret elixir of life
There are texts that you don’t write because you have to, but because you can’t help it. This one about friendships is one of them. Perhaps because I have recently realised more than ever how much friendship can mean – and how much it can carry. Not loud, not demanding, but constant and deep. Friendship is one of the greatest gifts we can receive and give ourselves in life. And sometimes also one of the most fragile. It is all the more precious when it lasts.
For years, I’ve been working on this text. I’ve started it, rejected it, reformulated it, added to it, and deleted it. And even now, as I publish it, I don’t know if I’m really ready to. Maybe I never will be. But sometimes it takes exactly this step – into the unknown, into the uncertain. Because it still feels right. And now, now it feels right.
Friendship as a form of unconditional love
Friendship is love. Not the romantic kind (sometimes it is), but the kind that goes deep, that sees you, that catches you, that lasts. It is a form of love that sets you free, does not possess you. Friendship means: “I want to give everything for you” – not “I want something from you”. People who stay because they “see” you and love you for that very reason. Friendship is love on an interpersonal level without passionate physical attraction.
For me, physical attraction is the clear demarcation between a friendship and a passionate, partner-like relationship. Otherwise, they coincide in most respects. At best, my partner can be my best friend, and I can’t (and don’t have to) keep my hands off him. So for me, passionate love is at least indirectly linked to one condition: physical attraction. This condition is missing in friendships. Therefore, friendships come very, very close to unconditional love.
What does friendship mean to me? Everything. It is my safe haven, my home without four walls. My place of security, without being a “place”. Friendship is coming home. People with whom I can be 100% myself. My chosen family. The people with whom I can be silent for hours or cry with laughter, and forget the world around me. They are my elixir of life and balm for my soul. In the last few years, in particular, I have learnt so much – about people, about myself and about what it means to live true friendship.
Making decisions means giving direction
“If you keep all doors open, you’re bound to end up in the corridor.” – A sentence that I used to read rather casually, but which has been running through my head like a little mantra in recent years. Because what does it actually mean to decide in favour of something? For someone? Even in friendships? Commitment doesn’t mean limiting yourself; it means making a conscious choice.
Decisions create clarity – not to judge, but to make your own path visible. Like a river that only finds its strength through its banks and is in the so-called “flow”. Without boundaries, it would get lost in the land, seep away or have a destructive effect. In the same way, we also need healthy boundaries and conscious decisions so that our path does not run into the void, but can flow in a direction that nourishes and sustains us. Only those who aim can hit the mark.
Responsibility, trust and vulnerability
Friendship needs commitment and backbone. This doesn’t mean that you get in touch every day or always agree with each other. It means taking responsibility. Also for your own behaviour. Friendship means communication. Listening. Wanting to understand. Being honest. Vulnerable. Without fear that what is said will be used against you. Friendship is blind trust. And this trust doesn’t grow overnight. It develops in those moments when you honestly say: “That hurt me” – and the other person doesn’t walk away. Instead, they listen, understand and stay. Apologise if they have wronged the other person.
Friendships should always be a breeding ground for maximum truths. To say and address things that the other person may not want to hear, but needs to hear. In friendships, things that are uncomfortable can be said – not out of ego, but out of appreciation. Not everything has to be said immediately; sometimes it takes the right moment. But the important thing is that it can be said. And is heard.
It is precisely the uncomfortable conversations in which we consciously listen, show ourselves to be vulnerable, and perhaps do not present ourselves in the best light that often take us and the friendship to a deeper level. They lead to more “self-awareness”. It is these deeply honest dialogues that open up new perspectives and create a safe space for healing. Space to better understand ourselves and our motivations – perhaps even to recognise old, forgotten wounds. Not to find someone to blame, but to act more consciously in future, to speak more carefully and to understand rather than hurt each other. So that we can stand up for each other rather than against each other in crucial moments.
Friends know your triggers and would never knowingly put themselves in a position to deliberately hurt you or stab you in the back. True friends would never jeopardise a friendship at any price.
Giving and taking space
Everything can, nothing has to. Friends give you the feeling that you can always come to them if you have something on your mind. But they also respect it when you need to sort something out on your own, without questioning the friendship. The realisation that you always have a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen is often enough. Or the certainty that the other person would be there at any time of the day or night – would drop everything without batting an eyelid, just to be there. Without question, without explanations.
Friendships are also a mirror and enable different perspectives and points of view. How aware are you of yourself? Not only when you are hurt, but also when you hurt someone. Not only when you feel misunderstood, but also when you have not listened. Is the friendship mutual or do you demand more than you give? Are you the friend you want to be? Which of your friends would you still be friends with today? And which friendship are you only holding on to out of habit?
Friendships need freedom
It’s not about who comes into your life. It’s who stays when things aren’t easy. Who listens, even if they have a lot on their plate at the moment? Who is happy with you, even if things aren’t looking rosy for them? Someone who respects your boundaries and is understanding when you are more preoccupied with yourself. Friendships don’t thrive on constant input, but on mutual understanding and trust. And true friends will be happy for you when you have (finally) learnt to set healthy boundaries and stand up for yourself. Only those who have always benefited from your lack of boundaries will complain.
There were times when I realised that friendships can also feel stressful – when expectations remain unspoken, when there is no room for development. When they become too one-sided. Because friendships are also “just a type of relationship”. Like any relationship, it should be lived as equals in the long term, and the give and take should be balanced – of course, there are always exceptional phases here too. Otherwise, a relationship turns into forced tension. Friendship thrives on honest voluntariness, not on a stupid sense of duty. It is allowed to breathe and grow. Even in phases when you see or hear less of each other. Or especially then.
When paths fall apart
I have lost sight of friendships and once-close allies. People I thought would stay with me forever. And even though it has hurt, I have learnt that sometimes paths part, not because it is someone’s “fault”, but because life changes. Because you change. Because at some point, you no longer look in the same direction and have developed in different directions. That doesn’t mean that the connection was never real – on the contrary. It just shows that friendship is not always made to last forever. And that’s okay, too. Because the time you spent together was still valuable. And, that’s exactly how you can carry it in your heart. Some people stay with you for a lifetime, others are only a few chapters in your book of life.
I have friends who treat me so well, they don’t even know they’ve established a standard for how I let everyone else treat me, and I think that’s beautiful.
If you want to have good friends, you have to be one yourself
With all the supposed demands on friends, you can also ask yourself what you do for your friends. I want to be someone for my friends who is simply there for them when they need me. Looking, speaking out. The warm hug when the world is just too loud again, or you feel lonely. The one who is honest – with empathy. The one who thinks, feels, sympathises and grows with you. Who listens when things get quiet? And is there when things get difficult? I believe that you not only get to know each other better over time, but also allow each other to grow – through authenticity, not perfection. You give each other strength without it being at the expense of one another. And ride the same wave.
Perhaps in this day and age, we have forgotten how important someone is to us. Far removed from our “cool” throwaway society, in which everything and everyone seems to be quickly replaceable. Perhaps the pace of everyday life has made us forget how valuable it is to stand up for someone, to fight for something. To believe in something. Not with drama, but with genuine interest. Connection doesn’t happen on its own, but through conscious existence. Through conscious repair, when something is broken. And sometimes all it takes is an honest “I’m here” that is not spoken meaninglessly into the room. Instead, the other person knows that you can rely on them. In moments when a single glance is enough to realise that words are just a form of communication. Exactly when a look is worth a thousand words.
A final thank you to my friendships
I am lucky to have found and recognised such people in my life. Wonderful souls who “see” me, lift me up, celebrate me, grow with me. Friends who have proven themselves in countless moments without having to, but because they want to – from the bottom of their hearts. Because I am just as important to them as they are to me. Indisputable. Friends who have always been there in good times and bad, and still are years later. Supported me when I had no more support. People with a heart and backbone who remind me of my dreams when I’ve forgotten them myself.
Who give me everything from the bottom of their heart. Who want everything for me and rarely anything from me. Friends who take stones off my shoulders and heart that they didn’t even cause. Heal with me, shine with me, keep quiet with me, laugh with me. Celebrate every little achievement with me and treat it as if it were their own. Deeply and radically honest, unconditional, full of friendly love. And I hope I am exactly the same for them.
Thank you for being here. This is my love letter to you. You are my most precious treasure. And also, you in heaven, Thunder Buddy. I miss you, even though I will carry you with me in my heart forever.
„Art is how we decorate space,
music is how we decorate time.“
– Jean-Michel Basquiat
„And friendship is how we decorate our soul.“
– Me
Without you, everything would be nothing.
Love,
Rosa 🧸♥️
P.S.: If you like this blog post, you’re sure to find more in my “Mindset” category. For example, “Generation no Commitment”, “When did love letters turn into situationships and ghosting?” or “About strong women and unconditional love”. Have fun browsing!
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